Barack Obama

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Anthony Gambrill
Contributor
Dear Mr President:
WELCOME TO Jamaica, known to the
original habitants, the Taino Indians, as
‘the land of wood and water’. Those who
came before us worked the Tainos into extinction so
we learnt from that not to stress ourselves too much.
Mind you, we have put a lot of effort getting ready
for your visit with our version of Obamacare. The
roads you will be travelling on have been paved and
the weed-whackers have been happily whacking
weeds as if an election is getting close.
In preparation for your visit we have also cleared
the air, so to speak. We recently had a huge fire at
our city garbage dump which potentially could
have meant that due to the smoke, Air Force One
would have had to land in Montego Bay. Actually,
the member of parliament for Central Clarendon
was hoping to rehabilitate Vernamfield, which
American planes flew out of in World War Two.
Now we use it for drag racing, which you might
enjoy.
We Jamaican people have a reputation for our
hospitality but as times are a little hard some of
us see your visit almost like the Second Coming
(Bill Clinton was here twice before, but you
know what I mean). We’re glad you know where
Jamaica is because too often it is said that
Americans learn geography from the wars your
country gets into. Well, you’ll be glad to know
at the moment we have no ISIS, Al-Qaeda,
Al-Shabaab, Aryan Nation or extremist born-
again Republicans in our midst. The nearest
thing we have to a caliphate is Trinidad and
it’s a thousand miles away. The rowdiest we
get is Carnival, whose events resemble New
Year’s Eve in Times Square.
You may not realise it but our politicians and
the media would have us believe your visit will
help us lighten our load. The IMF takes so
much of our money
– could you
have a
word
with
Madame Lagarde? – that we have very
little to spend on ourselves. We are even
having to hock our airports to please the organisation.
We have to depend on others. The Spanish own our
hotels, the Russians our bauxite, the Chinese our highways,
the Italians our rum and PUMAUsain Bolt. The Government
has so little to spend, even our scarce benefits are
scarcer so we have to depend on fish back to please
our politically faithful.
No, more loans are not the answer because we are
hopeless at paying them back. Perhaps, just perhaps,
you could persuade the right people to allow us to
export ganja, er, marijuana, to the United States. Yes,
we know that you know we have been doing it
illegally for years but at last here is our
opportunity to go straight. It would give a
tremendous boost to our small farmers and lessen the likelihood
that our criminal gangs would fight over illicit spoils. Actually,
we have made a start by way of almost decriminalising two
ounces of ganja. As you can see, as a country we are trying to
be like Colorado and Washington state. Bananas were once
Green Gold but Chiquita pretty much put us out of that business.
Marijuana could be our 21st century Green Gold. How about
it, Mr President? Yes, you can?
I hope you will find time for a little relaxation while you
are here. Now that we have cleared the air, Kingston has a
couple of golf courses you would enjoy. We play basketball
but we’re better at netball. As it’s a woman’s game we don’t
want you to get in trouble with Mrs Obama, which reminds
me, next time you come, bring your wife and daughters,
too. Jamaica is much nearer than Hawaii.
Walk good, as my friend Miss Lou would say.
• • gleanerjamaica • jamaicagleaner • FEATURE THE GLEANER, THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 2015 E3
OBAMA
ON THE
ROCK
B A
O YES,
YOU
CAN
Mr President, No, more loans
are not the answer
because we are
hopeless at paying
them back. Perhaps,
just perhaps, you
could persuade the
right people to allow
us to export ganja,
er, marijuana, to the
United States.
US President Barack Obama demonstrates ‘the Soccket Ball’, which uses kinetic energy to
provide power to charge a cell phone or power a light, during an event at the Ubungo power
plant to promote energy innovation on Tuesday, July 2, 2013, in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.
AUDREY COLE-CROSDALE is the
typically outspoken middle-aged
Jamaican woman who has dared put
in words some burning questions that may
be on the lips of many of her compatriots as
President of the United States Barack
Obama touches down on local soil.
Cole-Crosdale, a development and
behaviour modification specialist, is not
short on opinion.
This is what she thinks is an appropriate
open letter she would have penned to the
44th president of the US:
“Dear President Barack Obama,
The entire Jamaican population is asking
please if you could visit Jamaica more often.
That way the country would be pothole free
and crime free.
Obviously, your visit to Jamaica has direct
benefits to the country’s infrastructure devel-
opment and national security system. In fact,
these road repair projects were completed
ahead of schedule with no construction
overrun ... please visit more often before
your term ends!
Security tun up til it buck! Security in
places you never dare think of. I wish the
president could come every month and visit
every parish. We would have many
infrastructural improvements and strength-
ened security measures creating a First
World country, one in which we can also
feel the safest.
Why can’t we find this type of resources
when needed to improve our living conditions
in Jamaica? For example, we could not find
the money to maintain the dump and imple-
ment the necessary measures to prevent
another toxic smoke, but we quickly and
mysteriously find $238 million to put out
the fire.
We could not find the money to improve
our road infrastructure, but we quickly dash
out millions in cash to do so.”
Cole-Crosdale said she also wants Obama
to list at least four measures that the US is under-
taking to foster greater social and economic
opportunities between both countries.
And with gays in the US heckling
Simpson Miller on the eve of Obama’s visit,
Cole-Crosdale wants to get insight into the
president’s views on Jamaica legalising
homosexuality and repealing the buggery
law.
She would like to hear whether Obama
subscribes to widely held notion that
Jamaica is a homophobic country.
OBAMA, PLEASE
COME OFTEN!
OBAMA
, ‘
’